I’m Not a Hoarder


Let’s be honest with ourselves here: We’re all hoarders at heart. The difference, of course, lies in what items we all choose to lug around, collect, and store. Fear not, hoarders: Northwest Self Storage will never judge you for your hoarding tendencies. Quite the opposite, actually. Need a safe place to stash your collectibles? Come hoard with us.

The year is 1998. You’re in hot pursuit of an Iggy the Iguana Beanie Baby with missing print in the tag. In fact, you’re willing to trade in all the contents of your piggy bank should you find one. Someday, these rare Beanie Babies will fund your college education—your grandma is sure of it, so you are too.

You’ll never forget how you felt after reading “The Catcher in the Rye” back in high school. Friends and family tell you you’ll probably never read it again, but you just can’t bring yourself to donate it. Who knows? Your next existential crisis could be just around the corner. And when that happens, you’re going to want J.D. Salinger on your bedside table.

They all said you were off your rocker for thinking your old clothes would come back in style someday. But you knew better than to believe the naysayers. After all, what is athleisure if not jazzercise apparel’s latest incarnation? So if you need us, you can find us in puffy sleeves and bright, neon patterns. It’s called fashion, sweetie—Google it. That’s what all the kids are saying these days.

You are a walking vibe check, and your extensive collection of crystals is a testament to how attuned you are to the unseen forces of the universe. It started with some selenite wands and quickly graduated to some rose quartz. Lately, you’re really vibing with black tourmaline’s protective properties and the motivation you get from yellow citrine. Namaste, brother.

The day your life changed was the day you attended your first concert. Sure, it was a Smash Mouth concert, but that’s beside the point. Your sixth-grade self reached deep within to access an inner truth that colored your life experience from that day on. And that truth is this: The show life is the only life for you.

Don’t worry, you’re not the only one who’s skeptical of the cloud. And for good reason, too! Have you ever seen a meteorologist accurately predict what a cloud will do? That’s no reason to blame them—it’s not their fault. Clouds are shifty and unpredictable. We wouldn’t trust a cloud to hold our photos as far as we could throw one.

Remember when we said we don’t judge? That was a lie. Collecting clown paraphernalia is weird, and if you do it, there’s an 80 percent chance you’re a serial killer. But hey, whatever, we’ll still hold on to your clown stuff for you.

Think you’ve got what it takes to get on our hoarding level? Prove it.

You Might Also Like
Friday March 27, 2020